Posts Tagged ‘humor’

I sat down on the steps of the bungalow knotting up the hair of my Barbie doll, although, at the time it looked like I was doing something beautiful. I chose that day to wear my favorite English dress.

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My grandfather brought it all the way from England for me as a birthday present. It was white and had these little rosy petals on it. I never liked to wear dresses but this particular one was quite pretty.

I hummed the nursery ryhme “Twinkle, twinkle little star” while I worked. My mother was at work and my father was… somewhere. A noise however interrupted my little project. I looked up and saw my brother and his friends riding down the slope.

They stopped in front of the house. My brother climbed off his bicycle. After ruffling my hair, he went inside to drink some water. His friends came up to me and sat on the steps.

I saw them earlier so there was no need to exchange greetings. There was no need for formality since they were my friends as well. I never got along with the girls.

My brother came out of the house wiping his mouth with his sleeve. I looked up to him, “Where are you going next?” I asked.

I could stay alone for days and wouldn’t mind but this time I felt like doing something.

“We’re going to climb those rocks over there”.

I grinned. He looked down at me narrowing his eyes

“Miriam… no”

I gave him the little kitten look. His friends all tried to persuade him.

“You know mama won’t like that”

“How? She will”. I said in a soft voice.

“Are you going like that?”

I squealed in delight and looked down at my dress. I shrugged “Yes. The rocks aren’t so high”.

He nodded and I dropped my Barbie doll on a nearby chair.

I got my little bicycle and climbed. We rode to the rocks and parked.

The rocks were not so steep but my brother and his friends made a fuss over me. Ensuring that I was in front of them; helping me maintain my balance. It annoyed me a bit but they let me come with them and I had to take that into consideration.

We reached the top and we saw a tree. It was very healthy and not too tall. There were little creamy colored things hanging from it. They looked like peaches.

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We all went to the tree and our friend plucked the fruit. It had little hairs on it and appeared succulent. The whole thing made my mouth water.  He spoke, “I think I know this fruit”. He opened it easily. It had a yellowish interior with little seeds in it. We all plucked ours and went through the same process. I popped one of the seeds into my mouth and sucked it.

It had a sweet and sour taste. I liked it and so did the others. We gathered some more and carried it back down the rock. I placed mine into the little basket in front of my bicycle.

As we rode back, I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable. My brother and his friends were unusually quiet. I blinked rapidly because the road was becoming blurry.

“I feel sick,” my brother said.

His friends were all scratching parts of their bodies. Suddenly, it hit me full force. It was like millions of needles were piercing my skin. I stopped riding and started to scratch my body. I didn’t know which part was itching me. My fingers were everywhere.

It felt like time stopped and I remember running fast. Really fast. Tom and Jerry FAST. At some point our friends disappeared one after the other and it was just my brother and I.

tommy run

We pulled each other. It was suddenly crab mentality… king of the hill competition.

I had no idea why we were doing that until we got home. It was a race to the shower. We just wanted some relief and we didn’t care how we got it as long as the itching stopped.

My brother and I got to the bathroom. I entered it before he did but he pulled me out and turned on the shower. I started to cry and curse him.

I felt like crying, laughing and pulling out my hair all at once. I heard my brothers frantic scratching. Water was flying everywhere.

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I saw the sink and I did something I never thought I’d do. I ripped my pretty, pretty, pretty dress off. Tore it to shreds. I turned on the faucet and threw water on my body. It just wasn’t enough. I cursed my brother… “I hate you!! I hate you!!! I wish you weren’t my brother! Bloody hell!!”. Got the last curse from Ron in the Harry potter movie.

We both turned that bathroom into a swimming pool. I got so frustrated that the adrenaline rush hit me. I shoved my brother out of the shower and stayed under it. The itching continued for hours, although the cold water toned it down a bit.

My mother… “sigh”. She dealt with us. That was no fruit. It was definitely not a fruit.

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Feeling Fancy.”

You’re given unlimited funds to plan one day full of any and all luxuries you normally can’t afford. Tell us about your extravagant day with as much detail as possible.

The first unfair thing about this is…One Day!!!!? How on earth am I going to get all I want to in one day!?

The second is…  I am going to start dreaming and sighing and… Well…Dreaming!!!

Okay. Let me calm my nerves down a bit. There we go…

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If I act on impulse that’s what I am getting.

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And that. I am sure you get the picture.

But if I decide to be responsible, I’d purchase gold. Of course that sounds unrealistic but the question itself is.

I’d get enough and store them in a vault, so that when this surreal lucky day passes by, I’d have more than enough funds to do all the stuff I’d like to do.

And since the question needs details…

1. I’d travel around the world

2. I’d purchase a house by the lake… In a small country town

3. Purchase movie equipments and hire lots of professionals to make my first blockbuster.

4. Take my mum to see the Eiffel Tower

5. Feed the world.

6. Purchase lands. Lots of them

I am sure there’s more. But I can’t think of them now

Just Like…👝👪

Posted: December 7, 2014 in The Daily Post
Tags: , , ,

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Recently Acquired.”

What’s the most important (or interesting, or unexpected) thing about blogging you know today that you didn’t know a month ago?

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Blogging =Family

We tell each other our stories

Share with each other our happy and sad moments

Inspire and encourage each other

Some of you guys make me think “whew!! Crazy bunch of individuals like Stewie”

“Troublesome and funny like Bart Simpson and Peter Griffin”

“Nice, Loving and caring just like Lois and Marge, during their good days”

“Carefree like Homer Simpson”

“As intelligent as Lisa”

“Quagmire’s …… Cough cough. I’m sure you understand”

We’re all in this together and i’m  happy to be part of the family. 👭

P.S I’ve been here just two weeks.

Movies spread like wild fire. The moment it is released, there is a sort of chain reaction that occurs. For those living outside Nigeria, let me educate you a bit on how we acquire and get to know about these releases.

There are two illegal channels that are very common and popular: the Internet and pirates. Almost every Nigerian who gets an average and above income have satellite dishes installed in their homes. The most popular is DSTV.

DSTV puts up ads of movie trailers and have “behind the scenes” inserts in between programs. As soon as a person sees what he or she likes, all they have to do is go to the video store where there are hundreds of pirated copies and purchase the movie. In my next post, I’ll explain how the piracy structure is in Nigeria and how we suffer from it in relation to our favourite foreign shows.

 If a person has purchased a 6 GB and above data plan, has a Wi-Fi connection or has hacked into their mobile network provider’s site, all that is left to do is visit the illegal sites that have these movies and download.

When one person has gotten the movie, another chain reaction takes place. All I have to do is get my hard drive and send the movie to it. Then my friends gets access to it and copies what I have, (then I copy what they have). Their friends ask them for theirs and so on and so fort.

 However, it is important you know that not all Nigerians like to break the rules. The few who are moral and respect other people’s line of work, purchase these movies online or legally watch it either on DSTV, the local channels or other authorized methods.

We have unlimited amount of movies from different parts of the world, thanks to both legal and illegal distribution channels. The most popular movies we have, come from the three largest movie producers in the world: India’s Bollywood, Nigeria’s Nollywood and America’s Hollywood.

Without further delay, lets get to my opinion of what these movies say about you and I

 

BOLLYWOOD

1.Colours! Colours! Colours! Indians love it! They even have a festival of colours called Holi.

2. Dancing and singing! Indians are great and creative dancers. They are incomplete without it. They are also known for their unique singing voices.

3. This word cannot be placed as a single genre when it comes to Indian movies. Love is always in the air, be it horror, drama, action and all the others. The word should be a universal genre.

4. Cultural values. They protect and preserve their culture.

5. Respect for elders, parents and relatives.

6. Modestly dressed women and no nudity.

7. They adore their sweets, lentils, parathas and curry.

8. They are religious.

Recently, the western culture has had an effect in their movies and on them. Below are things I’ve seen that weren’t in the old movies:

1. The ladies love mini skirts and short dresses. The men love their tight pants and half buttoned shirts.

2. They don’t shy away from kissing and sex anymore.

3. Songs have an electronic vibe to it.

4. It’s now “in with dating and dancing in clubs” and “out with prearranged marriages”.

 

NOLLYWOOD

1. We love all Voodoo/witchcraft stuff

2. We have disciplinarians as parents. It does not matter if a person is ten, thirty or forty years old. They are eligible for sore bottoms; as long as their parents or grandparents are still alive

3. We are hardworking, especially when it comes to manual labour.

4. A party passes as a party when there are wads of Naira/dollar notes flying in the air.

5. We love our music.

6. We respect our elders.

7. We love our Adires, Aso ebi, Kaftans and babarigas (Nigerian fabrics)

8. Fufu, Pounded yam, Eba, Amala, Egusi soup, pomo, ..I can keep em’ coming. For those of you who are lost right now, I’ll mention one word and you’ll be found. FOOD!!!

9. Weight loss??? Who the hell cares!

10. Criminals, almost never get caught

11. Our virgins are our pride.

12. Church! Church! Church!

Western culture has also affected our movies and us.

1. We are wannabes

2. We don’t like to use our natural accents.

3. We are all rich and live in big houses.

4. Teenagers talk back to their parents.

5. Virgins are decreasing in number.

 

HOLLYWOOD

1. Americans are hard working and honest folks.

2. They brainstorm and are intellectually sound.

3. They believe that they are supreme.

4. DRUGS!!! Popular ones are methamphetamine, cocaine, marijuana, ecstasy and cigarettes.

5. Party! Party! Party!

6. They see sex as a casual thing. To them it is like breathing.

7. Advanced technology.

8. Weight loss is essential. If you’re not slim, you’re not pretty.

9. They love their Martini’s, doughnuts, beer, pizza and beef.

10. Teens don’t have respect for their parents and elders. This is what a Nigerian parent would say after watching a scene where an American teenager tells his or her mother to get out of their room because they’re are on the phone: “kai! Let them just give me this child for one day”.

11. They are very determined people and will work their way to the top.

12. They love the holidays, thanksgiving and travelling.

13. They are daring in a very foolish way. Jumping off cliffs, breaking bottles on their heads, purposely setting themselves on fire, leaps from high buildings without any safety gear on, performing stunts with their bicycles, skateboards and ending up with dislocated joints, broken bones or a bloody nose. (We watch the show “America’s greatest fools” on SonyMax).

14. Concerts and superstars are a big thing for them.

15. Intense bullying in schools.

16. Perfection, perfection, perfection!

The western world has influenced them in the following ways…. Just kidding! They ARE the westerners.

This post is not aimed at abusing anybody’s culture or country. If anyone feels that way, it was not my intention to do so. What I have stated may not be 100% correct. I am just interpreting in my own way, what I have seen in the movies. When I say movies, I don’t mean every single one.

Please feel free to comment on what you think movies you’ve watched say about their country and people.

On story de-depot, your thoughts matter. Cheerio!

This phrase does not sit right with me at all. What exactly, would whoever came up with the phrase, define the word “teenager” as?

In the Advanced Oxford Learners dictionary, the word teenager is defined as a person who is between the ages of 13 and 19.

There are three kinds of people in the world; the good, the, in my own words, in-betweens and the bad. We all belong to one of the afore-mentioned categories. Whichever category we belong to, we cannot dispute the fact that we all exhibit the same traits, namely: jealousy, anger, envy, sadness, happiness, indifference, mood swings, etc.   Another fact is, drinking, smoking and partying is what almost everyone does. So why sum up what people of different age groups do and restrict it to a specific group of individuals?

What is the difference between a high school party, a sorority/freshman/college party and a cocktail party? I have one answer for that. Make-believe.

Adults, looking elegant and regal in their long gowns, polished shoes and recently bought/retrieved from the dark corner of the closet suits, walk down the rented hall or polished corridor of their friend/boss’s home trying to show co-workers/friends/strangers that they are better and richer. Excusing themselves and heading over to restrooms so they can re-touch their make-up and search for the right expression which will be used later on to fool others who are equally doing the same thing.

Teenagers, dressed in T-shirts, faded jeans, spaghetti tops, mini skirts, shorts, run around the crowded house. Bobbing their heads to music blaring from the speakers. Screaming at the top of their lungs. Boys looking for a way to get laid and girls wanting to get rid of the branded name that causes them so much embarassment. In one word “Virgin”. Both sexes getting drunk and high.

The fact is, in my opinion, some adults and teenagers have identical thoughts in their minds. Most of which are  sex, drugs and money.  Examples of where we can find most of these pretentious people, showing their true selves are in Nigeria’s capital Abuja and Lagos, the commercial hub of Nigeria. For those in the USA,the city of lights- Las Vegas., the big apple-New York and the nation’s capital, Washington DC.

Basically, for the sake of this article, there are two kinds of people on earth: the responsible and the irresponsible. So adults please stop trying to pin a particular trait on a selected age group. I say out with “acting like a bunch of teenagers”

If people still want to use it,  I might as well bring up one of mine “a bunch of destructive, immoral and pretentious adults”

Of course it wouldn’t make sense, since we all exhibit those traits. Therefore, Irrespective of our gender, age group and social status, we should all behave with decorum while enjoying the world too.  And for all you party freaks, please, by all means party!! but don’t loose yourselves. Bad things happen when you do.